Yesterday morning, I awoke very early for a Sunday - 5:45 a.m., to be precise. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. So eventually I got up and went about my business, thinking that for once I would be on time for Praise Band rehearsal before church. Something was nagging me, though. I felt like I was forgetting something as I lolly-gagged through breakfast. Then I went and lolly-gagged as I got dressed. And, of course, there was some major lolly-gagging while I sat at the computer checking out the news.
And then the lolly-gagging ended because I realized what I was forgetting.
The annual church picnic. To be held immediately after Sunday School. To which each parishioner was to bring one Side Dish or Dessert. (And it had better be homemade or you'll feel like a Loser.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh!
What on earth was I going to do? I didn't have a Side Dish or Dessert! And I didn't have time to make one, either. I had lolly-gagged all my time away! I was supposed to be leaving right now. This Instant.
But first things first. I had to alert Spouse to the fact that today was the Annual Church Picnic. I think he was planning on taking a much-deserved respite from the world by Sleeping In. But one can't Sleep In on the day of the Annual Church Picnic! He took it better than I expected. (I suspect he was actually excited at the prospect of getting a run at Marge Coffin's cooking. Marge makes real food with real calories and real sugar and real fat and all the rest of that stuff nobody ever lets you eat anymore.)
A quick perusal of the cupboard revealed that I could make my Extra-Special Pasta Salad if I could get my hands on some feta cheese. And capers. And better get some more artichoke hearts while I'm at it. (I made up this recipe, so I have no idea how much of anything I put into it - I just eyeball it.)
So I'm off to the store - which is straight down the street from the church. If I am very quick, I will be able to get my stuff and make it to Praise Band rehearsal on time. Just barely.
Now you know - you just know - this couldn't be easy, right? But I am really annoyed that something so easy should go awry. I mean, that is just Wrong.
I want you to know that I marched right up to the Pickle/Relish/Condiments section and did not see a single caper! Nor an artichoke.
Who are the imbeciles running this store, anyway? Everybody knows that capers and artichokes are kept right HERE - right in with the relish and pickles and olives and other vinegar-soaked goodies. So where are the stinkin' capers and artichoke hearts?!
It occurs to me that perhaps the idiot stock boy has relocated them in canned goods, one aisle over. Fine. I'll just trot on over....
Only they aren't there, either.
I must be hallucinating. What self-respecting grocery would forgo carrying capers or artichoke hearts? That's just crazy. Surely I am looking right at them and just not seeing them in my crazed state.
But, no, I end up going up and down these aisles three times each. No capers. No artichokes.
No sales associates, either.
Go figure on that one.
I finally found one in Produce. She had the nerve to look right at me - actually had eye contact, mind you - and then tried to act like she didn't hear me saying, "Miss?...er...excuse me... Miss?" Well, I was not to be trifled with! I advanced like MacArthur returning to the Philippines and asked her if she could point out the capers and artichoke hearts?
She looked at me like I had three heads and not a brain in one of them.
It came to light that, somehow, some way, this fifty-something-year-old woman had been working in grocery stores her entire life and had never heard of a caper, much less tasted one. How could anyone go through life ignorant of the tastiness of a caper?! The poor, unfortunate, deprived creature! What an injustice to devote your life to the Produce Section and never know the joy of a caper!
Perhaps if she had been in charge of Canned Goods....
But this was all beside the point. I didn't have time to mourn her caper-less existence. The clock was ticking!!!
She agreed to go with me to find the artichoke hearts. Which was a good thing, because I needed some moral support as I browsed the canned goods aisle one last time. And this time, I found them. They were technically in that section - but on the bottom shelf (they used to be on the top shelf - and with the pickles). Had they been demoted, I wondered? Would I find the capers similarly disgraced?
We'll never know because another pass of both aisles revealed nothing. And I had to go. But then a man came out of the back - a manager-type! - and he saw we were Clearly Looking for Something, so he came up and asked us if we were Looking for Something. What a relief, I thought.
"Yes, I need capers, and I'm in a hurry."
A blank stare.
A small frown.
"Capers?" He said. "Capers.... Is that some sort of vegetable?"
This can't be happening. Not even the manager knows what a caper is? Am I surrounded by nothing but frozen-food addicts? Is our cuisine so impoverished that grocery store personnel don't even recognize a Staple Ingredient when they hear of it (even if it is pickled)? The Greeks and Italians would be horrified if they were to learn of this.
So be it.
My Extra-Special Pasta Salad will just have to be Merely Special, I guess.
This is just so Wrong.
I was glad to find out it wasn't your capers that were an endangered species. Although I have to admit... I didn't know what capers were either until I was watching some food networks chefs make something that looked delicious. We are talking here growing up on cooking that entailed many casseroles, and bland food. :) So I am sorry to say if not for a few years ago... I would have been giving you a blank look too!
Posted by: stampersuzz | September 9, 2008 at 09:53 PM