A Contest: The Worst Catalog Gift of 2008

Here we go again.

The buildup to the Feeding Frenzy that we here in America like to call the Holiday Season.

There are many ways to detect the upcoming madness, but I've found the earliest sign, for me, lies in the contents of my mailbox. Although I spend the rest of the year complaining that I am on every mailing list known to the free world, it is at this time of the year that I actually amass the evidence to prove it.

Catalogs.

Lots and lots of catalogs.

Enough catalogs to cover up that hole in the ozone that's roughly the size of North America (and that probably grew another hundred acres as a result of all the effort needed to make the wretched catalogs in the first place).

I am not opposed to catalogs. I am just opposed to those catalogs that are created for a demand that does not exist (no matter how hard a company fights to manufacture one). Clearly, I am not going to be interested in certain kinds of items in certain kinds of catalogs. My demographic is very specific, and I don't remember submitting any classified ad that reads:

MWF, 40+ attorney seeks obnoxious, tacky merchandise for small child and other family and friends. 

In no reality (alternate or otherwise) am I ever going to want an egg separator that is shaped like a human face with the whites coming out the nose. You think I make up these things? For only $12.99 + S&H, you, too, can own the World's Grossest Cooking Tool!

 

I know my mother-in-law would just love that. Wouldn't yours?

Nor do I want something that doesn't even have a purpose - unless it's funny. But it had better be hysterically funny. Falling somewhat short of this mark is a pair of Windup Hopping Lederhosen (although a steal at a mere $5.99).

I'm going to assume that the inventors of these hopping lederhosen were, quite possibly, lonely businessmen slugging back steins of beer at some Octoberfest in Munich. Had I been them, I probably would have fallen to my knees in mirth (those steins are BIG). And the part of me that loves absurdity is not completely opposed to this little invention, but it's just not quite absurd enough to deliver the scream of laughter I'm looking for.

Although... it should be notes that for a mere $14.99, you can get a remote-controlled hopping lederhosen that yodels. (Clearly these lonely business men had BIGGER steins.) We're getting a little closer to the mark but still no cigar.

Oh, now here's something you don't see everyday - and just absurd enough to pique my interest: a life jacket for your golf ball. My father-in-law might chuckle over finding that in his stocking. $7.49 seems a little steep, though, unless a guaranteed laughing fit is illicted from the receiver - and my father-in-law is not one to guffaw. He's a Smiler only.  

Or perhaps my mother would like this charming Butt Station for her desk. Who thought of this?! Or better yet, who financed the mass-production of this?!

And what about this horrifying thing? I physically recoiled when I saw this. And, gee, for $34.99, it's a real steal... of your money. 

How about this Santa Commode Set? I know I'm not going to feel like the Hostess with the Mostest without having my toilet dolled up to look like Santa!

NOT!

I'm telling you right now, I would die of shame before I let someone into my bathroom with that get-up adorning my toilet!

Actually, I would die of shame before I let anyone enter my bathroom because it's in desperate need of a tidy, but that's beside the point.

This is all but the tip of the iceberg. And I don't know what I find scarier - that there's so much of this junk out there or that there's so many people who obviously want to buy it! Or am I just a fool who is missing the opportunity to make millions because I'm not clever enough to come up with a candle shaped like an orangutan's bum?

So this has given me an idea. Why not have a contest to see who found the Worst Catalog Gift of 2008. Won't you join me? I challenge all of you to post on your own blogs the dumbest, tackiest, most pointless catalog item you can find, and I will link to it here. Or you can send me the link, and I will post it here. (I can understand a need to protect your blog from being sullied.) I reserve the right, though, to choose NOT to post something.

Comments

[stampersuzz]

rotfl... I enjoyed the pictures you showed. I haven't had anything that good show up. Mostly children's toy catalogues and the kids like to look at those. When I get something good, I will send it along.

By the way... When are you going to share some work you have done as part of your new DT endeavours?

[Judy Jung]

If you hadn't posted the photos, I would not have believed it This is one reason why our family made the decision about ten years ago to stop exchaning gifts (except the grandchildren). It always seemed to me we were being made fools of by retailers who depended on our Christmas shopping to ensure their profits. Thanks for a hearty laugh. It is hard to believe anyone would buy these items!!

[Lysa]

LOL- This is hilarious. Reading this reminded me of this catalog that turns up in my mailbox every now and then and I SWEAR I have never ordered anything to result in me getting the catalog!- Harriet Carter- went on their website and saw a few that you listed, and this one: http://www.harrietcarter.com/resources/harrietCarter/images/products/processed/7556.zoom.a.jpg "Toothpick Holder Man"!

[donna m.]

Wow, you got some real winners there! I get LLBean and Williams Sonoma. I think my mom used to get Spencer Gifts and we would pore through and just laugh at all the atrocious "gifts"! Can't wait to see who has the most gawd-awful gift! Great contest!

[Jenn]

LOL...that is all I am doing right now! My favorite is the butt station...I have forwarded it to my friend to see if she would like one for her work desk. She will love it...not! Thanks for the laugh!!!!

[Cheryl Valadez]

Deborah - you may not choose to to print this and gosh knows, I wouldn't blame you, but I just about fell out of my chair when I happened upon this site devoted to a dynamic duo whom we are all very familiar. Check out this commodious pair at this web site http://shop.kissochbajs.com/default.asp?lang=uk1 .

[elana k]

I get a catalog from the Paper Source, which has pretty stationery and unique, tasteful gifts, usually. However, today on their website, I found this: http://www.paper-source.com/cgi-bin/paper/item/Pooping-Polar-Bear/3302.040/439377.html I am not quite sure why anyone would want it, but it can be yours for only $6.95!

[Lucy]

We got this catalogue through the post and I just "loved" these... I was wondering who on earth actually buys this stuff when my fiance told me one of his colleagues has them!!! Amazing.
http://www.presentsformen.co.uk/product-PFM-Racing-Grannies-5741/
http://www.presentsformen.co.uk/product-PFM-Fighting-Grandpas-6104/